Artemis

the weight of silence

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

The Weight of Silence #

the silence sits heavy in my chest,
a thousand unspoken words, pressing, waiting.
my breath, caught in the tangle of unsaid truths,
your words, though quiet now, still carve deep,
and i love you,
though i wish i didn’t.
you say the sight of me gnaws at your sanity,
and each time i try to explain,
you tell me to shut up,
to shorten my words,
to speak in a language too concise for my tangled thoughts.
but how can i condense my mind
when even i can’t find the right words?
i yearn for you to listen,
to just listen to anything i say,
but you haven’t for years.
instead, you scold me for things i didn’t do,
and when i beg to explain,
you turn away.
and now, i try not to speak at all.
you say my friends will use me, discard me,
but they listen,
they hear the words you never have.
they’re not family,
not what family’s supposed to be,
but they don’t ask me to shrink,
to fold myself into the silence.
you hate them,
you hate me,
you hate every breath i take,
every word i speak.
and still, i love you.
it twists me inside,
in ways i’ll never untangle,
in silence that only grows heavier.
would you find peace at last,
if i faded into nothing?
if i gave in to the quiet you demand,
would you stop carrying this weight of me?
i have so much to say,
but no one to say it to.
so i swallow it,
again and again,
until the silence consumes me whole.

muted screams

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Muted Screams #

words spill out of me,
heavy with meaning, but weightless when they land.
they say i talk too much.
maybe it’s true,
maybe i fill the silence with things
i hope will make me feel less invisible.
but when i speak,
it’s like the air turns solid,
a glass wall between me and them.
i shout, but the sound vanishes before it can return,
like it’s caught, wrapped up in a thick fog.
it’s muffled,
like there’s a hand pressed over my mouth,
one i never asked for.
around me, people move,
caught up in their own currents,
their days spilling over with things to do, things to worry about.
i get it, sonder.
i know i’m just a flicker in the long reel of their lives.
but it doesn’t stop the sting
when i give everything i have
to be heard,
and all i get is a glance,
a nod,
a door half-shut before i even finish.
i try to reach through,
but the glass is too thick.
i’m stuck at the edge of their world,
a shadow no one’s looking for.
they say they care,
but only when there’s a break in their routines,
in the spaces between their scrolling,
their endless lists.
i can’t help but wonder, am i anything more than a passing echo?
or just a noise
that slips away
the second they turn their heads?
the silence after i speak feels colder.
i scream, but the void swallows every sound.
i’m left alone with the echo of words
no one wanted to hear.
it hurts.
but maybe it hurts more
because i can’t stop trying.

family ties

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Family Ties #

love is a rope i can’t stop pulling.
each tug, each twist, wraps tighter around my chest,
a knot i can’t unravel.
you, dad, steady, strong, always there.
but you burn with anger, like a storm, quick to rise.
i brace myself for your words,
sharp as they are unintentional,
cutting deep, though i understand.
i know the weight on your shoulders,
the endless grind of life’s demands.
still, sometimes it’s too much,
the sting of your temper,
the bruises not on my skin, but somewhere harder to reach.
ma, you’re another kind of sharp.
you say you love me, but the words don’t match your eyes.
some days you hold me close,
and i believe it,
just for a moment.
but then the venom spills, and i’m left wondering
how love can be both comfort and weapon,
how you can kiss me with one hand
while the other pushes me away.
you hate the sight of me, you say,
yet somehow, i keep loving you.
it makes no sense.
it makes perfect sense.
you both pull in different directions,
like you’re each holding an end of the rope,
leaving me twisted in the middle,
unsure where to fall.
i keep telling myself i understand.
it’s easier that way.
if i understand, i don’t have to hate you.
if i understand, i don’t have to decide
whether to stay or go,
whether to cut the rope,
or keep letting it dig deeper.
sometimes i think about what it’d be like if i just… vanished.
left without saying anything,
just gone.
if my silence became the quiet you’ve both been chasing.
would you even see it?
would you feel lighter, like a burden you didn’t ask for finally lifted?
maybe the rope would untangle on its own,
the tension gone.
but i love you,
and i hate that i do.
i hate how it twists me,
how it pulls me under every time,
until i’m drowning in this love that hurts more than it heals.

fading into the background

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Fading Into The Background #

i don’t think i exist,
not in the way others do, not anymore.
i can speak, sure, but it’s like my voice
slides past their ears,
just another whisper lost in a room
full of louder sounds, fuller lives.
when i try to say something,
something important,
it’s always too much, too fast, too impractical.
and so i’ve learned to sit back,
let the conversation move without me,
i’ll answer when i’m called,
a well-timed quip to fill the silence.
it’s easier this way, quieter.
my friends say i talk too much,
but all i do is listen.
maybe i speak,
but i certainly don’t talk too much.
how could i, when every word feels like a pebble dropped in the ocean,
gone before it hits the bottom?

veins of ice

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Veins of Ice #

sadness isn’t heavy for me.
it’s cold.
a creeping frost,
starting somewhere near my heart,
spreading like ice through my veins,
slow, subtle.
i know it’s here when my hands start to shake
for no reason at all.

sometimes it’s just a whisper of wind,
slipping through the seams of my jacket,
so faint i could almost ignore it.
almost.

other times, it’s brutal,
like standing naked in a blizzard,
exposed.
the cold seizes my chest,
my heart aching in a way that feels like it should crack.
my hands tremble,
my legs lose their grip on the ground,
and my head pounds from the weight of it.

echoes of childhood

Thu, 06 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Echoes of Childhood #

there was a time when i dreamt of more,
more than just what was in front of me.
i wanted to be an astronaut,
a writer, maybe a politician too.
i had these wild thoughts,
i could even be a hero, or maybe a villain,
grand dreams that felt like they could burst from me.

fame, wealth, respect,
they were all within my reach.
i believed that once.
now those dreams?
they’re just stories i half-remember,
fragments of something that used to matter.
i still know them, every single one,
but they’re just old thoughts,
like something i read once but never truly felt.

dissonance

Fri, 07 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Dissonance #

i feel a tension,
caught between the want to be understood
and the terror of exposure, a raw fear
of letting them see too much,
of letting them see me.
i crave that someone might know my heart,
be able to speak back what i dare not say,
yet beneath that craving lies a shadow,
a quiet whisper that they’ll see me as less.
less than they imagined,
less than i hope to be,
just less.
i see it in the way they smile,
or sometimes in their silence.
i am sure that one day they’ll leave,
and it won’t even be a surprise,
but a slow, steady slipping away
like sand through careless fingers.
these opposing forces,
pull me in different ways,
until i stand frozen,
like delicate paper on the edge of tearing,
thin enough that a word, sharp or careless,
might tear through it, through me.
every conversation, a fine line to walk,
one step too far might open me up too wide,
another, and i’m closing off again.
i want to share everything,
but there’s a knot of fear tied tight in my chest,
and the idea of showing too much
feels like stepping into a pit.
they’ll see my cracks, my flaws,
the twisted pieces of me
that i try so hard to hide.
and once they see,
will they stay?
sometimes i smile when i’m breaking,
laugh when i’m terrified,
because letting them hear the discord in me
would be worse.
inside, it’s chaos, a symphony of missteps,
but i make sure it stays unheard,
the wrong notes covered with polite words.
i want to be known,
and i want to be invisible.
i see myself, too, but only in fragments,
each glance in the mirror shows another crack.
i don’t know which part of me is real,
or which part they’ll see first.
i’m holding my breath,
waiting for something to change,
but nothing does.

walls built of words

Sat, 08 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Walls Built of Words #

there are walls now,
ones i never asked for, but somehow,
i built them anyway.
it wasn’t all at once.
each word, each sharp tone,
added another brick.
“shut up,” they say, and another one goes up,
“you ruin everything,”
and the wall gets higher.
i tried,
god knows i tried,
to talk to ma, to di,
to dad, but the thorns,
they scrape, they dig deep.
and it hurts every time.
it didn’t start this way.
there was warmth once.
i remember that, don’t i?
but now?
now the cold sets in,
like the walls around me freeze my breath,
my hands shivering when i reach out,
wondering if it’ll ever feel warm again.
they tell me they hate my face.
what did i do?
what did i ever do?
every word they say,
it carves something into me,
something i can’t erase.
and i’m not any better,
i know that.
i try to share things,
small joys, little sparks.
but it’s like they don’t even hear.
like the moment i speak,
their eyes glaze over,
and i’m alone again.
they tell me i should’ve never come home,
that they’d rather not see me.
they say things no one should say,
and it sinks deeper than i can stand.
there’s a wall here,
a wall i thought would protect me,
keep me safe.
but all it’s done
is keep me out.
i can’t reach them,
not anymore.
i wonder,
was it ever real?
the love?
or was it always just
something they held over me,
like a leash,
like a chain?
i built these walls
to keep the pain at bay,
but all they’ve done
is make it colder.

too much too little

Sun, 09 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Too Much Too Little #

expectations.
expectations.
it’s like a loop, a voice that won’t shut up,
telling me i’m always wrong.
too much. too little.
every time, something’s missing,
some flaw to point out.
i try to fix it,
but it’s never good enough,
perfect isn’t even in reach anymore.
i stopped believing it could be.
i wonder, do i even have worth?
abilities? or am i just fooling myself?
their words make me doubt,
like i’m pushing for something i can’t even grasp.
and yet i keep pushing,
like some idiot
that never learns.
i feel split, like standing between two mirrors.
but instead of infinite reflections,
i see two strangers.
one’s eager, desperate to fit in,
to please, to be seen.
the other? he’s tired.
he blends into the background,
hoping no one will notice his mistakes.
i don’t know which one is me.
maybe neither.
maybe both.
when i’m alone, nothing feels like the right way to be.
it’s all just noise, and i’m lost in it.
there’s this constant sense
that i’m not enough,
for anyone.
i keep failing.
i keep letting people down.
and lately?
i don’t have the energy anymore.
nothing excites me.
nothing feels… like it matters.
i’m bored, but not the kind of bored you can fix.
just… empty.
my mind never stops.
always running through conversations,
things i said,
things i didn’t say.
i pick them apart,
over and over,
like some broken record.
and the truth?
i don’t even want to talk to anyone.
there’s this fear,
this gnawing fear
that if they look too closely,
they’ll see what i see,
that i’m lacking.
that i’m not enough.
it’s annoying,
this fear, this anger,
this irritation that won’t go away.
decisions are hard now.
too many options,
and none that feel right.
it’s like i’m stuck,
even when there’s nowhere to go.
i don’t care about most criticism.
but from the people i love?
that cuts.
it’s like the only thing i can’t handle.
and over time…
i don’t even know how i feel anymore.
i feel… nothing, i guess.
just numb.
like these pieces of me are slowly fading, eroding.
i don’t remember who i was.
what i am.
why i am.
i don’t know.
i don’t know.
i don’t know.

breaking point

Mon, 10 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Breaking Point #

i’m suffocated as hell,
everywhere.
every goddamn place i go,
at home, in class, even when i’m outside,
it’s like the air’s trying to crush me,
like i’m drowning in this shit,
and no one even fucking notices.

i can’t move.
my own thoughts, those goddamn thoughts,
they’re chaining me down,
twisting inside my head with no way out.
i’m like a ticking fucking time bomb,
and it won’t be long before i explode.
the dam’s gonna break,
shatter,
blow to pieces.
maybe i even want it to.